I'm Not Wearing Underwear

Barry Allen had absolutely no idea what to do. For once in his life, he was completely speechless.

"Barry?" Dick asked timidly, lowering his head a bit as he stared at the confused speedster. "It's okay, if you don't want me here, I can-"

"No, of course I want you here!" Barry exclaimed, suddenly feeling guilty for the upset look on Robin's young face. "But, uh, how did you get in? And what are you wearing?"

Robin was sitting on the couch, wearing an overly-floral and frilly top of Iris's that reached a couple inches above his knees. And nothing else.

"Oh, me 'n Bruce went in through the window, 'cept I fell in a puddle and my clothes got all dirty. Bruce had to leave then, and I forgot my extra clothes at home, so I got this dress from a closet." Robin stood up and gestured enthusiastically at the garment he was wearing.

"You got that from...a closet?" Barry said weakly. Oh, god, Iris was gonna kill him if something happened to her clothes.

"Yeah. I didn't know you wore dresses." Dick replied, smoothing down a couple wrinkles and fixing a few sequins. "But I get it now. It's comfy!"

"Comfy." Barry repeated, still frantically trying to think of ways to explain this to Iris. Maybe, if he started the laundry now, it'd be done before she got home. Or maybe it'd be better to just iron it, and she'd never notice...

"It's better without underwear, though." Dick said seriously, jolting Barry out of his thoughts. "There's a nice little breeze flo-"

"Okay!" Barry interrupted loudly, trying to block any mental pictures flooding through his brain. Oh, God, now Iris and Bats were going to kill him. "Why don't we get you some boy clothes to wear?"

"Alright." Robin said agreeably, nodding a bit. "But I don't want your clothes. Bruce says they probably stink 'cuz you run a lot, and that means you sweat a lot, too."

"Uh huh." Barry said dryly. "Actually, I wasn't going to give you my clothes." There were some spare clothes of Wally's floating around the place. They'd be a bit big, but he could make it work. Barry quickly disappeared for a few moments before returning, a pair of jeans and a yellow t-shirt clutched in his hands.

"You have to put on underwear, though." Barry said, "Please."

Dick looked anguished. "I can't. When I fell down, they got dirty."

Barry anaylzed the situation. He could either be prudish about it and force Dick to walk around half-naked all day, or he could just shut up and give him the pants, undergarments be damned.

"Here." Barry said, lightly tossing the clothes to Robin. He turned away as Dick busied himself with putting them on. When he turned back around, Dick was fully dressed, the sleeves of his clothes falling over his hands as he folded Iris's favorite shirt into a neat little square.

"Did Bruce teach you how to fold like that?" Barry whistled.

Dick laughed. "Bruce? Bruce can barely fold a piece of paper in half. Naw, Alfred taught me." he grinned, and then pushed his sleeves up to his elbows.

"So, uh, did Bruce tell you why you're apparently staying with me?" Barry asked, zipping away for a split second to place the flowery shirt back on a hanger. He loved having the kid over, but sometimes he wished Bruce would just tell people about his plans instead of just expecting them to follow along.

"Mmhm. Bruce had a business conference in Westmanchu-wortminsher-westminstersho-westmy-"

Barry stifled giggles as Dick struggled with the pronounciation of 'Westminster Shire'. Eventually, Dick tired and gave up.

"He has a business trip to Eng-Land," Robin rephrased, splitting up the country into two separate words. "And he didn't wanna leave me with Clark, 'cuz Clark might hafta leave me alone to go be Superman, and he doesn't want me to ever stay will Ollie 'cuz he's drunk."

"Great to know I'm the last choice." Barry grumbled half-heartedly. Oh, well. "You want a burger?"

"Bruce says I'm not allowed to eat burgers." Dick instantly rebuttled, crossing his arms over his chest and scowling in a perfect imitation of Batman. "I'll get fat."

"What is Bruce, a teenage girl?" Barry cried, outraged. Okay, forcing the kid into spandex and tights was bad enough, and now he was depriving little Dick of burgers? "That's it, I'm making us burgers."

Barry leaned down and scooped the little boy into his arms.

Dick smiled and tightened his grip around Barry's neck. "Bruce's gonna know."

"Bruce won't find out." Barry smiled and lied. Oh, who was he kidding. Of course Bruce was going to find out. He was the Goddamn Batman. Barry headed for the kitchen, pausing long enough to grab his chef's hat and his favorite apron that read: "This is a manly apron for a manly man doing manly things with manly food."

He then switched course and headed for the grill outside. If he was going to do this, he was going to do this right.


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Half an hour later, Barry and Dick were sitting in front of the TV, laughing as they ate their triple-decker-hamburger-surprises. Dick had barely been able to bite his.

"This is so good, Barry!" Dick squealed, attempting to cram half of his burger down his throat at once.

"Whoa, easy there, champ." Barry laughed, patting Dick on the back as he gagged and coughed a bit. "You're going to choke."

"Nuh uh." Dick said, swiping his hand across his mouth. He left the other half of his burger untouched on his pate.

Barry sniggered. "You want to play a video game or something?"

"Batman says videogames will ruin my eyesight and rot my brain." Dick replied stubbornly. Barry grinned and switched the console on anyway.


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The next day, Bruce picked the locks of the door to the Allen household and walked into the sitting room, fully expecting Dick to be sleeping or doing his homework. It was nine-thirty at night; he should be tired.

He was definitely not expecting Barry and Dick to be screaming in front of the TV with joysticks and controllers clutched in their hands, the remnants of empty chip bags and half-eaten hamburgers strewn across the floor.

Bruce felt a small twitch develop in his left eye.

Suddenly noticing the Dark Knight's presence, the two slowly turned around. Dick broke into a wide grin while Barry paled.

Not wasting anytime, Dick stood up and lauched himself at his father, hugging him tightly as he recounted all the stories of his day with Barry.

"-and then he made us huge hamburgers and they were so good, Bruce! And then he showed me how to play videogames and he even showed me a couple 'o wrestling moves! And then he told me that it was okay, Bruce, 'cuz Barry said you're just being 'anal-retentive' and that it's really okay to do all that stuff! And guess what? I'M NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR!"

Bruce glared at Barry, taking only the slightest satisfaction on seeing every last drop of blood drain out of the speedster's face.

"Allen? Run." Bruce growled.

Barry was gone.

Bruce grumbled to himself as he wrapped his cape tightly around the still-blabbering boy. Next time, he'd just let Dick stay with Ollie.